The ‘In-Laws’

Radio National’s Bush Telegraph Series Facilitator’s Diary

This Seven week series looked at the various In Law roles. The takes a close look at how farm families adapt to change when a new person joins “the team”. The In-laws aims to raise awareness of the various assumptions and expectations that can undermine the family business, as well as offer positive ways to move forward. Over the series, interviews with in-laws and relationship professionals will open the debate around this often difficult area of communication.

Episode 1: Bringing people into a family business – introduction

Regardless of location, the problems facing working farm families are fairly universal. They range from privacy issues, such as: the distance of houses, the issue of separate mailboxes and driveways and the cost of maintenance and renovations. Many families also grapple with time management problems – various family members will have very different ideas about what constitutes hours of work in a day; days of work in a week and weeks of work in a year. Throw in a few other factors – like generational difference and rural isolation – and family relations can be strained to breaking point. Because the family, farm and business are all inextricably linked, people can be left feeling overwhelmed when there is tension in personal and/or working relationships.

Guests:
- Lyn Sykes, a Dubbo-based specialist in running family business meetings.
- Karen Harper, a family meeting facilitator and trainer from Bundaberg. Karen and Lyn have worked together for the past six years.
- Barbara Ross, a daughter-in-law who married into a farming family thirty years ago and has a strong interest in rural business.

Facilitator’s Diary:

It’s important to learn to communicate clearly and with sensitivity before problems arise in the family business. Lyn recommends holding a family meeting before any major change occurs, particularly if it could affect the business or family relations – such as a parent retiring from the farm, or a marriage or new partnership. During the meeting, each family member might also want to discuss their personal assumptions about farming and business issues. Lyn Sykes and Karen Harper recommend that as part of a key business strategy, families should develop clear guidelines for: making decisions, resolving conflicts, managing any discontent, managing change, celebrating success and ensuring recognition for the involvement of spouses or partners. Finally, each family member should also take time to identify what they expect to get out of their role in the business, including career development and training opportunities.

Episode 2: Being the Daughter-In-Law.

She’s often described as the troublemaker, the one who rocks the boat, doesn’t respect tradition or understand how things are done – and she is accused of generally making a fuss over nothing. But you try marrying into a generations-old family business with sometimes literally hundreds of unwritten rules and protocols and see how you go! Her issues range from trying to understand the strength of her husband’s ties to his family to finding a role for herself on the family farm to giving up her job to move out bush and experience motherhood along with a raft of other challenges. She can feel lost, misunderstood and threatened by the family she married into.

Guests:
- Deb McLucas (Queensland)
- Abi Speher (South Australia)
- Bella Reynolds (Queensland)

Facilitator’s Diary

Entering a family business is a challenge for all. In the case of daughter-in-laws, it is based on love and relationships – and good intentions are high all around. As a new family member generally there is a high need to fit in and belong in the new family. All family members tend to have ‘rose coloured glasses’ on at this point in time. Even when we are informed of potential issues and do have experience in family business (as Deb did), we need to go one step further. It actually takes commitment from all to communicate and plan.

Coming into a business, you have power at the point of entry – as well as the point of exit. Therefore, the best time to negotiate is as you are coming into the family – close to the wedding! Negotiating and documenting at this time allows you to consolidate the good intentions that everyone has. People often feel that documenting agreements is in effect suggesting that you don’t trust each other. I prefer to believe that it is about capturing the good will everyone has. Sitting down to a formal meeting is the preferred method – but sorting things out sooner rather than later is vital, even if it means following someone to the shed (as Abi did).

Talking about how people fit and their roles is difficult. People are often cautious about what they say in case it is taken the wrong way. Sometimes, they tend to say nothing! They hope ‘it will sort out one day’. Generally we find the one day is a long way off and the ‘sorting out’ may be by explosion. When both Debbie and Abi spoke it occurred to me that knowing and having some roles recognised and negotiated within the family business would have assisted then to have a sense of belonging within the new family and business. Abi is compiling a book of letters from the point of view of mother and daughter in law, so that people can come into these relationships more aware and learn from others experience.

Episode 3: Being the Son-In-Law

In this episode of the In-Laws looks at the plight of the Son-In-Law, who returns to help run his wife’s family business. The Son-In-Law often experiences anxiety around his identity, pride and future financial security – not to mention how tough it can be trying to carve out a particular role and take on more responsibility in the family business. Taking the imitative and negotiating with a powerful dominant father-in-law can also be a prime challenge!

Guests:
- Trevor Harvey (Queensland)
- Peter Mahony (Queensland)

Facilitator’s Diary:

This week, Peter and Trevor gave valuable insights into factors that make being an ‘In Law’ in a family business successful. Two key insights include:

1. Negotiate at the beginning (roles and responsibilities; time, money, housing; management and ownership, as well as business entry and exit strategies).

2. Develop a system for good communication (how decisions are made; how conflict is resolved; how change is negotiated; how the separation of family and business is managed; how information is exchanged).

Trevor also discussed how, in his case, there was a process of either buying in or working your way into a percentage of ownership of his wife’s family business. There are many ways families manage this process. What is critical is that there is a process that is known and consistent. The process should be set and should not change for different family members. This ensures no perceptions of favouritism or bending to difficult personalities.

Listening to Peter talk it was apparent that his wife and the family he has married into have put a priority on proactive management. They were aware of issues around planning and communication. This awareness has helped them manage the potential issues very well. The indicators of this include:

• Being able to value the differences and the range of skills different family members all bring.
• Planning for the future by knowing everyone’s long term plan (and that going your own way is okay).
• All family members respecting each other.

One significant difference that is worth noting in the discussions so far is at what point people enter the family/ business. All the daughters-in-law interviewed married men that already had a role in the family business, and even when they initiated discussions about their roles there was not always a lot of support in the beginning. However, both of the sons-in-law interviewed had married women that were not part of the family business at the point when they were married. For the sons-in-law, perhaps entering the business was a little easier as it occurred separate to a wedding – and hence with more discussion and specific planning.

Episode 4: Being the Father-In-Law

The Father-In-Law can have a number of issues, including having to work closely with a new Son or Daughter-In-Law, and challenging his children over issues to do with the way they want to farm. Most importantly, the Father-In-Law can experience anxiety about handing his family business to his children and their spouses – not to mention frustration over how to carve up the family empire so no-one feels hard done by.

Guests:
- Murray Jones, Central Queensland
- Byron McDonald, South Australia

Facilitator’s Diary:

Murray and Byron gave us some great insights into the struggles and successes of being a Father-in-Law. It was interesting that they were both Father-in-Laws to men – it was the women that were part of the farming family and their husband was the in-law. Murray and Byron’s discussion covered a lot of key points about working under such conditions:

• Expect some rivalry – consider that is normal.
• Honesty is the best policy. However, be aware that for some personalities, honesty may seem brutal. The intention can be good – to be straight and honest – but the impact can hurt.
• It is important to have a set or known date/timeline for decisions. Try to structure any business succession. This allows the business relationships to be clear and there is less risk of contaminating family relationships.
• Murray spoke of how his Father handed the business over to him at a young age, which provided Murray with a great role model for business succession.
• Both Murray and Byron spoke of how younger generations need to be given space – while the older generation must have other interests. As Murray said ‘no- one likes to be stood over’.
• Both speakers also emphasised the ‘give and take’ on the relationships and the importance of communication. Byron hit it on the head when he said you sometimes need to ‘count to 10’!! It’s also described, by as Stephen Covey, as putting a pause ‘between trigger and response’, in order to look at options.
• Byron made an interesting point that if everyone adopts the attitude of ‘give more than take’, it builds a platform of mutual respect.
• Both men spoken very positively regarding their respective Son-in-Laws. If you hear positive things from your ‘In Laws’, it has a good impact on self esteem, which in turn flows into both family relationships and business.

Episode 5: Being the Mother-In-Law

From her side of the fence, the mother-in-law often copes with massive generational change – not to mention trying to hold everything and everyone together. The mother-in-law often finds herself trying to walk a fine line between being a good listener and communicator – while not being seen as trying to meddle.

Guests:
- Pat Hawker from Queensland
- Aline Deckert from Victoria

Facilitator’s Diary:

Pat and Aline were very generous in sharing their thoughts and struggles with being a ‘mother-in-law’. They both talked about the struggle all families in business have, to be able to ‘do right thing by the children and the business’. Key points from Pat and Aline’s discussion include:

• Expect a power struggle – consider this as usual.
• You will say and do things that are perceived as wrong – consider this normal also. As Pat said, you may not even be aware of what you did or said that is wrong. Take advice from both the women and ‘don’t bury you head in the sand.’
• Pat commented ‘if I had my time over I would follow up and be clearer about we expected for each other’. Besides communicating over a cuppa. I think it is important to have formal and structured ways or methods of communication and discussing expectations. This in itself acknowledges that there will be challenges and differences and it is important that we have a way of sorting them out.
• Aline talked about how she felt when she was perceived as “interfering”, where she “thought” she was “helping”. Our intention is often to be helpful and show we care, but the impact – as Aline suggests – can be very different.
• Aline talked about how she learned to monitor her impact by watching her daughter-in-law’s face as she spoke to her.
• Pat told us how families are so important. An important part of that includes when Pat acknowledged there can come a time when it’s equally important to “move on” and allow the younger generation to run the business.
• Communication in regard to expectations is also important at any time of change. Questions you might like to ask your grown children and their spouses could include things like: What role would you see me having with the grandchildren? How would you like me to help, how will I know when you would like my help? How will you let me know if I overstep the mark?
• Aline’s final point is relevant for everyone: Listen before you try to tell. Don’t fall for the trap of thinking we know! Listening shows that we really care. Then, if you feel it is worthwhile, offer to give your thoughts.

Episode 6: From the entire family’s point of view

Over the past few weeks our In-Laws series has focussed on individual family members and the issues they have faced. Today we go for a “total” in-law experience. We talk to a very special family who are willing to share their journey through the potential fireworks of understanding each other and pulling together to make both the family – and the family business work.

Guests:
- Adam and Jamie Ramage (brothers)
- Jodie Ramage (Jamie’s wife)
- Barb Ramage (mother of Adam and Jamie)

The Ramage family run “Ramage Rural” and have a number of properties located between Violet Town and Shepparton in Victoria.

Facilitator’s Diary:

Firstly, it is important to acknowledge how courageous the Ramage family were to speak after the very recent sudden loss of Donne, Barb’s husband and Jamie and Adam’s father. Our condolences go to the family. The family gave us a great insight into the difficulties families have in managing the balance of family and business. The reluctance to sit and a talk issues out, the inability to imagine a solution and the need to be fair. The Ramage’s then talked about the relief that comes with sitting down at a facilitated meeting and the apparent ease that issues were resolved and the future planned. What they also alluded to was that having sorted out the business and family in a formal way, the sudden death of Donne then had less of an impact on the business, which would then allow them to mourn the loss of their father and husband without it being contaminated by concerns and uncertainty regarding the business.

Key points from their discussion:

• Adam talked about how his Dad thought it too hard to work it all out and the relief he then showed on his face the day of the meeting when a workable solution was obtained.
• The family was good at recognising the strengths different family members had – Adam mentioned Jamie is a great manager and has a vision for the business. As a family, they are now utilising that strength.
• Jodie mentioned that assumptions are made. A business and family need a process to clarify and discuss assumptions.
• The family also talked about how important it was to have a skilled external facilitator with an understanding of farming business issues.
• Barb mentioned her willingness to sit down and have a meeting. She also mentioned the time to start was when the sons got married! The earlier issues are discussed, the less assumptions are then made. The result is better all round with greater certainty.
• Jamie discussed issues of strategic planning and professional management. He really demonstrated that many rural businesses are very astute managers. Part of astute management is having a succession plan and forum for communication.

A list of trained family business meeting facilitators can be found here.

Episode 7: Big Wrap

Over the past few weeks, we’ve heard it all on the In Laws. We’ve had stories of power struggles, finding a place for the latest member of the family business, as well as the difficulties of retiring – not to mention perhaps most difficult of all, the anxieties surrounding the issue of farm succession. Today, we wrap up the In-Laws by pulling together the central threads.

Guests:

- Abi Spher, daughter-in-law and writer on this topic from Beachport on the Limestone Coast in South Australia.
- Barbara Ross, an initiator of the In-Laws series and a daughter-in-law from Holbrook in Southern NSW
- Philippa Taylor, National Executive Officer with Family Business Australia.

* Note: Abi Spher is looking for stories about daughters and mothers in-law for a book she is writing. If you would like to contact her, phone: 0428 358043. You can also read more about her work in the “In-Laws” section of this site.

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The ‘In Laws’ program is a joint project with support from NSW Agriculture’s Rural Women’s Network; Community Legal Aid Albury Wodonga; McLellan and Rudd Bundaberg; Barbara Ross; Karen Harper from highresolutions; Lyn Sykes; Radio National.